Dating again after narcissistic abuse

How do you trust others after having a narcissist in your life?

It can be really hard to date again after you've been with a narcissist because there are so many highs and lows during the relationship that it feels exciting.

And when you first meet someone, they will not be lovebombing you like a narcissist.

Getting those rushes of emotions and feelings with the narcissist was confused by you as being exciting — but that was really your body telling you that you are in danger, like a fight or flight anxiety response to this person.

It is your nervous system warning you of someone who is dangerous to you.

There's a fine line when you do feel ready to date again, between someone who excites you and someone you find a bit boring. Because you shouldn't try to make it work with someone just because they're nice and that’s it.

If the connection is not there, then it's not there. There's nothing that you can do about it, and it's not necessarily anyone's fault.

But don't get a lack of immediate deep feelings confused with being boring, because that could actually be a feeling of safety.

Safe means calmness, not boring-ness.

And also, don't throw away a perfectly fine person that is treating you well just because you don't feel worthy.

Because it is easy to blame yourself after you have been with a narcissist and say, “I must be the toxic one,” and “I don't deserve someone good after all the retroactive abuse I did,” or whatever you're feeling — the guilt, the shame.

Retroactive abuse, by the way, is a very common reaction to being abused time and time and time again when you finally just snap and act out of character.

Try not to have any regrets about your actions or what you might have said during your narcissistic relationship because you were just doing the best you could around a horrible monster. You were just trying to survive, and the narcissist was going to force you into a darkness that you never thought you would be capable of.

But you can't hold that against yourself.

You are worthy of love and being with someone who treats you with kindness, dignity and respect at all times.

If you have been discarded by a narcissist, you are surely confused and sad, but these are some realizations to come to terms faster with the end of the relationship.

Number one is to just accept that it was all smoke and mirrors.

The whole thing was like a nightmare that you are awake from now.

This was not reality.

They were future-faking you.

They were manipulating you.

They were telling you all the things that you wanted to hear in order to get what they wanted from you.

And then they discarded you.

And that's extremely painful.

But it was not reality.

It was a toxic situation that you are now out of.

The next thing is to just be grateful for your own emotions rather than regretful that you were with this narcissist.

So it's easy to say, “I was screwed over by this person and I regret every minute with them.”

In reality, you could turn that regret into gratitude by saying:

“I felt very strong emotions with this person. A lot of people aren't even capable of feeling that deeply. I didn't know I was capable of feeling that deeply before this, and so I am grateful that I am able to feel that intensely. Regardless of what a liar and fraud the narcissist turned out to be, I had a very real human experience. And I am happy that I at least had moments when I did feel like that.”

And those were feelings that came from within yourself, not from this narcissist.

This narcissist merely brought it out of you because you were trauma bonded and the emotions were so high and low.

You are capable of feeling deep emotions of love and care again with someone who is stable and who deserves you.

Realize that you still have a lot of love to give in your heart. You are not broken or damaged. You will rebound from this.

And when you do, you will have so much love, empathy, compassion and kindness to give to another person that they will be so thankful for you.

And you will be grateful for them, with the life experience and context of knowing that there are these toxic people in the world that will just take and take from you.

When you find the right person who matches your kindness and authenticity back to you, it will be the most fulfilling relationship of your life.

For remote one-on-one narcissistic abuse recovery coaching, 
email me: Danielle.radin@gmail.com

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