Narcissists and the need for control

Narcissistic people have two motivations: power and control

One thing you'll start to notice about a narcissist is just how controlling over your entire life they are. Once you see this, it cannot be unseen.

A narcissist is completely absorbed and obsessed with their image and reputation.

That means that your image is a direct reflection of them, so you will see them being controlling over every little tiny choice that you make—whether you choose these shoes or those shoes, how your hair is styled, whether you bring a jacket or don't.

This is what the narcissist will do. They will control you.

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And then the narcissist will make you feel like they are doing something nice and kind for you, for your benefit, when really everything they do is for their benefit and for their image.

They cannot relinquish control. They are not capable of doing it.

So if you tell them, “Please stop telling me what shoes to wear,” they can't stop, and they won't. And if you set a boundary with these people, they are not going to listen.

If you say, “I don't want to wear a jacket,” they are going to ask you if you want a jacket five or six more times in various ways until you finally say yes.

They don't know the meaning of boundaries, and they will trample all over yours.

Have you ever noticed that the narcissist will ask you the same question that you've already answered multiple times or in different ways?

It is a control tactic that an abuser uses.

If they make you answer a question over and over and ask it in different ways, they are playing the role of a prosecutor trying to get you to mix up your own words.

Another reason they do this is because a narcissist simply cannot take no for an answer.

If the narcissist asks you a question and you say, “No, I don't want to do that,” they will continue to ask you the question until they get the answer that they want from you.

They will ask it this way and that way, and do anything to try to overstep the boundary that you've already set.

Narcissists can't stand to be told no. They always want to take something from you, and in their minds, if they just ask it in the right way, they'll get whatever they want.

This is a reckless disregard for your wants, needs and desires.

A lot of us grow up with guilt and shame from our parents or our family and we have been conditioned to feel guilt and shame when we probably shouldn't: like when we have to say no to someone.

But you always have a right to say no, and it is not mean or cruel to do so when you are uncomfortable with the request.

The narcissist also grew up with guilt and shame but they mute that feeling so that they can't feel it anymore.

However, they are aware that you respond to guilt and shame, so they will try to guilt you every single time into doing what they want.

In reality, if something makes you uneasy, embarrassed or disturbed, you don't have to do it. Period. You owe no explanation to the narcissist about why this is.

“No” is a complete sentence.

Do not let a narcissist convince you that they have final say over your appearance, over your finances, or over your life, because it's YOUR life and you have final say over that.

It is not a favor to you when they take it over, even though they're going to try to convince you that it is.

For remote one-on-one narcissistic abuse recovery coaching, 
email me: Danielle.radin@gmail.com

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